i noe myself if i dun even pull up n i'll nv will... nt returning smses is 1 of e ways tat i wish 2 cut away frm them... but each time i couldn't... itz hard... i noe its e fear n loneliness tat eating up my heart. even when i'm wif whole bunch of them i still feel it... its seemz like i'm nt belonging 2 them... i love them, i really do.
e reason i've kept returning is tat i felt e love frm them, n i dun deny it. coz it's e truth n e fact. but i've always struggled. struggling btw whether 2 go n nt 2 go.... i noe myself... doing things always 三分钟热度... i'm quite surprised tat i've aready going tis long...
doing ministries was nv in my mind, 2 say e truth... it juz happen 2 be there... n really itz oso a kind of reasons for keeping myself busy n learning... but i did enjoy them, i love e way they operate, i love e smiles on their faces whenever things get done, after services having 2 noe wad r ur good n bad points...
but suddenly, all of these things disappeared... i couldn't felt e joy, e smiles on their faces... i juz felt dead... i can't feel anything... my heart juz went dead... i really felt like burying my head in the sand, escaping...
a heart in e coffin, trying 2 struggle whether 2 live or left 2 die.
i nv like 2 build deep relationships wif ppl, afraid them hurting mi or mi hurting them. it like i'm putting my burden 2 them coz some burdens r nt meant 2 be carried by them which somehow i might putting on2 them unknowningly. i hate myself for tat, coz it always putting mi down. beening ashamed, feeling low whenever i c them.
these few wks were e worse ever. i even hate going out of e hse, hate going out 2 e crowd, i'm back again 2 e old self. wadz e use? might as well giving up rite? but am i on e position 2 say tat?
