izzit a new beginning? i dunno.... i've started a new job but itz a temp n i hope it will become a perm 1 by e end of e mth. i quite like it here n it so called near my hse. @ least itz on e east west line...
somehow i felt tat itz all come back 2 square 1. weird but i really think tat... tatz y i put question mark behind it.
yesterday, we had a prayer meeting n it was really refreshing... really it did.... although my mind wandering here n there some of e times... itz e atmostphere ba... prayers really did help in our lives... itz really relaxing in tis kind of atmostphere...
tis wk we r having Red Rain concert.... i dun mind them @ all as itz 1 of e band tat which i 1st heard in church... it juz tat i felt my age is catching up (seemz like i'm e elderly... lolz)... e concert is full of young ppl, e youths. n 2 say e truth, i dun really have e energy 2 go tis kind of concerts anymore... i'm old aready... i admit... XP
itz really relaxing in office now as every1 out 4 lunch... haha... i had home cooked food so i stayed behind... y i dun think tatz matters anyway... coz i'm nt familiar or close wif e ppl in my office exp maybe paul whom i'm seen in MBS b4. haha...
1:41 PM Evadne
Monday, May 03, 2010
do u ever doubt God? or u can even say doubting Him? i guess some parts of our lives we do, juz tat we dun say it...
i did doubt God. recently. as e days went by after uncle tham's death, i doubted Him. i can't understand y He had 2 take him away frm us when we had hopes tat he could survive. i dun understand y He had 2 save mi frm e fall over n over again? i dun understand y He had 2 send His Son 2 die for us where His Son was a prefect man, sinless? y He wan 2 save mi all over again, forgive mi all over again, over e wrong things tat i've done, over e wrong words tat i've said? even taken for granted, y He wan 2 save mi, forgive mi? i'm actually a bad gal afterall. a sinner.
He replied mi last wk, during CG's worship. 'Becoz u r My daughter.'
'Becoz u r My daughter.' these r juz simple words tat my Father wans 2 reassure mi. this is His love, His love for mi.
Becoz i'm His child, His daughter...
6:13 PM Evadne
i noe myself if i dun even pull up n i'll nv will... nt returning smses is 1 of e ways tat i wish 2 cut away frm them... but each time i couldn't... itz hard... i noe its e fear n loneliness tat eating up my heart. even when i'm wif whole bunch of them i still feel it... its seemz like i'm nt belonging 2 them... i love them, i really do.
e reason i've kept returning is tat i felt e love frm them, n i dun deny it. coz it's e truth n e fact. but i've always struggled. struggling btw whether 2 go n nt 2 go.... i noe myself... doing things always 三分钟热度... i'm quite surprised tat i've aready going tis long...
doing ministries was nv in my mind, 2 say e truth... it juz happen 2 be there... n really itz oso a kind of reasons for keeping myself busy n learning... but i did enjoy them, i love e way they operate, i love e smiles on their faces whenever things get done, after services having 2 noe wad r ur good n bad points...
but suddenly, all of these things disappeared... i couldn't felt e joy, e smiles on their faces... i juz felt dead... i can't feel anything... my heart juz went dead... i really felt like burying my head in the sand, escaping...
a heart in e coffin, trying 2 struggle whether 2 live or left 2 die.
i nv like 2 build deep relationships wif ppl, afraid them hurting mi or mi hurting them. it like i'm putting my burden 2 them coz some burdens r nt meant 2 be carried by them which somehow i might putting on2 them unknowningly. i hate myself for tat, coz it always putting mi down. beening ashamed, feeling low whenever i c them.
these few wks were e worse ever. i even hate going out of e hse, hate going out 2 e crowd, i'm back again 2 e old self. wadz e use? might as well giving up rite? but am i on e position 2 say tat?
hav i had e position n rite 2 say????
5:37 PM Evadne
these 2 mths were really down 2 e bottom. heart in the deepest deepest down the sea, where no light can ever shine in2... i wanted to escape but there no place n room 4 mi 2 move...
work contract ended in feb, next uncle tham fell sick n passed away... i couldn't understand aunite stella's pain, qi's, even mao shin's. becoz i'm nt them n nv will understand. but i can still feel e pain of my own... e whole wake when i was there i juz dun really feel it but e last day of e wake we felt e pain in e heart... sending uncle tham last journey was e hardest thing i've even done so far... esp when we saw him movin slowly towards e fire...
auntie stella had changed so much even since uncle tham's death... nt onli her but oso qi n mao shin even our family 2 had changed.... although rite now she had work 2 work on, but wad abt her heart?
